Getting Kinky- A "Will Do, Won't Do, Might Do" List

Perhaps you and your partner have decided you’re going to try some new kinky activities in the bedroom buuuuuuut you’re not really sure what you and your partner are willing to try together. You know that you for sure don’t want to have your hair pulled but you definitely want to try being tied up. This tip will provide a list of will-do/won’t do/might do options so you and your partner can agree on some new kinky activities in the bedroom. 

Preparation

Find a time where you and your partner can sit together for about an hour to answer and discuss the following list. If you’d like, you can each print out a copy and fill it out in separate rooms and then come back together to discuss. If talking about this list together works better for you, go for it! The list is just a guide to get you and your partner to start talking about what kinky activities you want to try in your sex life. When you fill out the list, imagine the scenario in your head… Do you see yourself doing it? Do you see yourself liking it? Then write down “will do”. Now, do you imagine yourself trying it out ONLY in certain situations? Then write down “might do”. When you look at the item and just can’t imagine ever enjoying it? Write down “won’t do”. Try not to think about your partner’s judgments, for now, this is about what you want to do! For each question, check the box will do, won’t do, or might do. A notes section has been provided for you to write down more details about your decision making process or fantasies of that activity. Additionally, blank spaces are provided for you to be able to personalize this list. More information on this at the end.

The List

Discussion

After filling out the list, go through each of the questions, and discuss. Remember this is a space for each of you to express and learn more about each other’s kinks, fantasies, and sexual desires. This should be a safe conversation between you and your partner so try to come at it from a place of curiosity rather than judgement. The kink community likes to use the phrase “don’t yuck someone else's yum” meaning don’t judge the enjoyment of a sexual activity for someone else just as you wouldn’t want someone to judge your sexual fantasies. If there’s an item on the list that may squick you out (make you feel gross, uncomfortable, or disgusted), that’s okay! Just because your partner wants to do it doesn’t mean you should or have to do it. Same goes for the other side, if you really want to try something but your partner is an absolute NO on it, recognize their boundaries and discuss. Here are some suggested questions to facilitate a conversation between you and your partner:

• What about ______ makes you feel aroused or excited? 
• How do you see this playing out in the bedroom for you?
• What are some barriers to implementing _______? How could we get over some of these barriers?
• What about ________ do you not like? 
• Perhaps there’s something that you might do and your partner definitely wants to do. What would that look like?
•  In what circumstances would you try ________?

The key is to get as detailed as possible so you and your partner can begin to imagine how you would incorporate it into the bedroom. 

If you find yourself feeling uncomfortable, judging your partner’s answers, or feel judged by your partner, allow yourself to take a break from the conversation. Tell your partner you want to pick the list back up at another time when both of you are ready to discuss without yucking each other’s yums. At that point, review the entire list again with a more open-mind and sense of exploration.

On a quick note- this is not an exhaustive list of kinky activities. If there are others you think of, share them with your partner in the same format that you shared with the other items. Remember to be open and describe in detail your fantasies! There are additional blank spaces for you to add other options for expanding your kinky activities!

Once you have reviewed and discussed your list of kinky activities, discuss some items you’d like to try during your next sexual activity. What would you want to say, do, and/or experience? Research the best and safest practices on The Center for Growth Self-Help Resources page and try them out! Remember to check in with your partner as you explore these new found experiences! You could also incorporate a short play session in which you and your partner move slowly through the activities you’d like to incorporate. This is the opportunity for you and your partner to explore how these activities would pan out in your sexual play. In this mini play session, completion (whether it’s completing the activity or achieving orgasm) should be off the table. Consider incorporating these safety communication tools during your miniplay session. This time is for you to work out the mechanics of how this play would happen during sexy time. It’s also an opportunity for you to confirm if this activity is right for you. There is no shame in thinking you’d like to try something new and it ultimately is not panning out.